How Can We Make Chris Hayes More Comfortable?

Why do I feel so uncomfortable about the word ‘hero’? I feel uncomfortable about the word hero because it seems to me that it is so rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war. I don’t want to obviously desecrate or disrespect the memory of anyone that’s fallen, and obviously there are individual circumstances in which there is genuine, tremendous heroism, you know, hail of gunfire, rescuing fellow soldiers and things like that. But it seems to me that we marshal this word in a way that is problematic. But maybe I’m wrong about that. – Chris Hayes

Gee Chris, we were all so saddened to learn of your discomfort yesterday…a day when most American families were basking in the glow of family remembering loved ones, honoring tradition, sacrifice, courage and…honor itself. Yes, Memorial Day is the day Honor gives Honor to itself. Is it something about Family and Honor Chris? Please…think of us (Conservatives) as your stewardess on a very long trip. We just want to make your trip as comfortable as possible.

Let’s see now…a little too much war in the cabin for you? Yes war is such a nasty thing Chris. In fact, we were all wondering why it is that as much as you despise war you seem to take it with you everywhere you go! Perhaps if you stopped electing empty suits who lather you with promises of utopia to high places? Yes, we understand this is very uncomfortable for you but try to think of this as just a little turbulence along the way. We’ve got a little Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert to help make you laugh and take your mind off of your discomfort.

But this problem you’re having with Family is a little more perplexing to us Chris. After all, where would you yourself be without Family? But don’t you worry about a thing Chris. It is our job to make you as comfortable as possible and you’re in our hands now…up here in the friendly skies…of Conservative Airlines…at 30,000 feet! Do you remember the movie It’s a Wonderful Life Chris? Well think of us as your Angel Clarence…yes, Clarence the Conservative Angel! Now while we are unable to do anything about the turbulence which just happens to be the regrettable consequence of human nature…we can eliminate family. In fact, outside of your self at this very moment Chris, Family has never existed!

And with that, Chris found himself completely alone in the cabin of the aircraft…an aircraft that was now falling out of the sky because without Family his pilot was never born. But 30,000 feet is a very long way to fall and it gives a person a very long time to think. Chris attempted to yell and scream, but only silence came out! Horrified, he glared at Clarence for an explanation. “With no Family to create and nurture heroes…there were no heroes to sacrifice their lives for your free speech!” Completely frustrated now and for a split second Chris remembered the title of an old movie, God is my Co-Pilot, and he breathed a sigh of relief…until he saw Conservative Clarence shaking his head sadly, “No Chris, you killed him too.”

The End. 🙂

Chip Murray: Wide Awake

About Chip Murray

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